各位同學好，我是實力養成班/ J2TOEFL機經顧問J2(Jacob).
看此篇文章前，建議先看前一篇「你的寫作發展方向是對的嗎？by J2」喔！
https://reurl.cc/4Rzkrj
如果看過了上篇文章，應該對於該如何發展例子、應該著墨的地方比較有方向，那就拿同學的文章來測試一下如何讓例子發展更貼切！
A同學文章的例子題目是 Nowadays children rely too much on the technology, like computers, smartphones, video games, for fun and entertainment. Playing simpler toys or playing outside with friends would be better for the children's development.
其中第二段：
Secondly, playing outside with friends can help children stay healthy easily. For example, doctors say that people need to exercise 30 minutes per day, which is good for your health. Thus, if children can play outside with friends, which can help them enhance immunity. In contrast, if children play video games at home, they can’t enhance anything for their body. Moreover, children’s eye will get hurt easily by looking the computer screen for long time.
寫到醫生說每天運動三十分鐘對身體有益，下一句寫說如果小孩子在外面跟朋友玩的話，就能增強免疫力。其實大概知道同學要表達什麼，但上下句連結不強，有點可惜。可以再加一句話就能跟前面的「醫生說每天運動三十分鐘對身體有益」這件事連結起來。
可以這麼寫：Thus, if children can play outside with friends, they can easily reach the 30-minute-exercise-per-day requirement as doctors suggest, which can help them strengthen immunity.
反例其實也可以再更扣回「上面提到的例子」會更好。同學原本只有寫到：
In contrast, if children play video games at home, they can’t enhance anything for their body. 想辦法多扣回上面已經提到的「每天運動三十分鐘」這件事。所以可以這麼寫：相反的，如果都在家打電動，那就幾乎都坐著根本沒有運動到，也就沒有辦法達到每天運動三十分鐘的基本量，免疫力可能就會下降，長期下來就會容易生病。
In contrast, if children only play videos at home, they’ll probably spend whole day sitting on the couch and do not have the chance to do exercise at least 30 minutes per day. In the long run, their immune system may weaken and they will get sick easily.
作文要進步沒有二法，就是多寫多練習，但切記不能自己埋頭苦寫，要找人幫你看過找出你的盲點。找不到戰友幫你看嗎？沒關係，歡迎來每周二下午的陪你讀時間，我跟Vivian顧問可以幫你找出問題點，以及幫你安排讀書計畫！
